Guest Post by Chuck Baudelaire
Greetings, fans of Karen McBoob! I count myself among you. Which is weird, since none of you are actually among me. Unless you’re really good at hiding, in which case, stop it, you’re freaking me the hell out.
Ms. Boob asked me to write a guest post. And I said YES because I love her and this blog, and because I’m an attention whore. Perfect storm, really.
I pitched a few ideas to my precious Boobie, and she responded positively to the one that is now the title of this post. She did add, “As long as it’s anti-Drumpf.” Like maybe I was going to spin the topic into a defense of Cheeto Jesus and blow her mind and corrupt you, her readers.
I wouldn’t do that. I know people who would, but not me. Honest Injun Native American indigenous person of color.
I’m nothing if not PC.
So here’s my list of 17 Very Specific Things Wrong with Donald Trump. Because I do believe he is an infected wart on the 240-year-old scrotum of America. If you disagree, perhaps you should close this browser window and resume masturbating to Breitbart.com. Just a suggestion.
Here we go.
- Through your business acumen, you turned approximately $2 million in inherited capital into $4.5 billion. As Richard Reich has pointed out, you could have made $12 billion if you had shut the hell up and invested in common markets over the same period of time. And then I wouldn’t be writing this guest post. So…thanks?
- Your skin is orange, except for small ovals around your eyes, which are downright pasty. If I were your advisor, I would say you looked ridiculous. Yet you surround yourself with sycophant idiots who never point this out. Not smart.
- Your children are on your payroll. Or do you just tell them it’s their allowance for doing whatever it is they do for Trump, Inc? Either way, who has to pay their own kids to associate with them??
- You think you’re popular. You say it a lot. Let me tell you, no popular person in the history of popularity has thought they were popular. Except Claire in The Breakfast Club. But Anthony Michael Hall set her straight on that point, yes indeed. In today’s pro-nerd culture, Brian Johnson would be the hero of that movie. You’re not a nerd, Mr. Trump. You’re pretty much Assistant Principal Vernon, with dumber hair.
- Circumstantial evidence suggests your wiener is small. Not something you can control, I realize. Also, being hella well-endowed doesn’t automatically make a man a good person. By the same token, being allegedly manmeat-challenged is not proof of bad character. I mean, you might bend over backwards to be a good guy to compensate for a lack of shtuppery. Or you might, I don’t know, build an enormous phallic tower in Manhattan and plaster your name on it and never, ever quit bragging about it until everyone hates you. You see how that could go either way.
- Back to your hair. I don’t even care if your real hair is stupid-looking, or if that’s a toupee or a chloroformed animal on your dome. The hair you present to the world is horrifying. Worse than Nixon’s, and he had a widow’s peak shaped like Hitler’s mustache.
- I am as qualified as you to be President, because I’ve never held elected office in my life. Trust me, that’s an utterly appalling analogy.
- You’re the first and only Presidential candidate who ever hosted his own reality TV show. No judgment, simply an observation. I mean, if Reagan were alive he’d probably have a reality show, right? Goddamn right he would, because if he were alive he’d be 105 years old, and that deserves a reality show way more than being a rich wanker with a Caesar complex.
- You’re proposing that working women collect mandatory unemployment after giving birth. Not even ironically, as far as I can tell. You’re proposing that women who give birth be FIRED in order to take paid maternity leave. Correct me if I’m wrong. Oh God, please.
- You once sent underwear to Rosie O’Donnell because you were mad at her. I’m thinking this will not go over well if repeated with Egypt, Syria, or Venezuela. (Russia, maybe. Putin has a lot of kinks.)
- Trump, you’ve been married three times. Now, my sister, whom I love and respect, also has been married three times. But of those three exes, one was a cheater, one was a car thief, and one walked out on her and their four kids and stole her furniture. In the absence of similar valid reasons for multiple divorces, I can only assume you’re addicted to young and (mostly) foreign pussy.
- I’ve never given my father a lap dance, which is more than your daughter Ivanka can say. Ew.
- The overwhelming majority of your followers are angry, uninformed, gullible, and ignorant; unlike the majority of Americans, who just want to avoid financial ruin and maybe not have the rest of the world think we’re a bag of dicks. Seems like a bit of a disconnect, but what do I know? I’m a filthy progressive.
- Your Vice Presidential candidate is an asshole. Hillary Clinton’s running mate is no Joe Biden (NO ONE IS JOE BIDEN I LOVE JOE BIDEN), but Mike Pence is a dirty yellow armpit stain of a human being.
- Seriously, your hair. WTF?
- You have literally zero policy statements that don’t include the words “people say,” “yuge,” “believe me,” or “the cyber.”
- IT’S NOT FUNNY ANY MORE, YOU JACKHOLE.
Agree, disagree, argue, or simply unfollow me and/or Pointless Boob. This here is my contribution to the election. (Hint: We’re on the right side of history, and the rest of you are sucking Kool-Aid from the lead-contaminated plumbing. Love you.)
Chuck is one of my favorite bloggers and if you aren’t already subscribed to her blog, go sign up now … like seriously … right now. She’s high-larry-us: www.always-drunk.com.
You should also go stalk her on twitter: @
And like her facebook: https://www.facebook.com/alwaysdrunk
Thanks so much for the post Chuck … love you!
~ Karen McBoob