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Donald Trump: 17 Very Specific Things Wrong with You

By Karen McBoob on September 29, 2016 in Blog, Humor
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Guest Post by Chuck Baudelaire

Greetings, fans of Karen McBoob! I count myself among you. Which is weird, since none of you are actually among me. Unless you’re really good at hiding, in which case, stop it, you’re freaking me the hell out.

Thank you.

Ms. Boob asked me to write a guest post. And I said YES because I love her and this blog, and because I’m an attention whore. Perfect storm, really.

I pitched a few ideas to my precious Boobie, and she responded positively to the one that is now the title of this post. She did add, “As long as it’s anti-Drumpf.” Like maybe I was going to spin the topic into a defense of Cheeto Jesus and blow her mind and corrupt you, her readers.

I wouldn’t do that. I know people who would, but not me. Honest Injun Native American indigenous person of color.

I’m nothing if not PC.

So here’s my list of 17 Very Specific Things Wrong with Donald Trump. Because I do believe he is an infected wart on the 240-year-old scrotum of America. If you disagree, perhaps you should close this browser window and resume masturbating to Breitbart.com. Just a suggestion.

Here we go.

  1. Through your business acumen, you turned approximately $2 million in inherited capital into $4.5 billion. As Richard Reich has pointed out, you could have made $12 billion if you had shut the hell up and invested in common markets over the same period of time. And then I wouldn’t be writing this guest post. So…thanks?
  2. Your skin is orange, except for small ovals around your eyes, which are downright pasty. If I were your advisor, I would say you looked ridiculous. Yet you surround yourself with sycophant idiots who never point this out. Not smart.
  3. Your children are on your payroll. Or do you just tell them it’s their allowance for doing whatever it is they do for Trump, Inc? Either way, who has to pay their own kids to associate with them??
  4. You think you’re popular. You say it a lot. Let me tell you, no popular person in the history of popularity has thought they were popular. Except Claire in The Breakfast Club. But Anthony Michael Hall set her straight on that point, yes indeed. In today’s pro-nerd culture, Brian Johnson would be the hero of that movie. You’re not a nerd, Mr. Trump. You’re pretty much Assistant Principal Vernon, with dumber hair.
  5. Circumstantial evidence suggests your wiener is small. Not something you can control, I realize. Also, being hella well-endowed doesn’t automatically make a man a good person. By the same token, being allegedly manmeat-challenged is not proof of bad character. I mean, you might bend over backwards to be a good guy to compensate for a lack of shtuppery. Or you might, I don’t know, build an enormous phallic tower in Manhattan and plaster your name on it and never, ever quit bragging about it until everyone hates you. You see how that could go either way.
  6. Back to your hair. I don’t even care if your real hair is stupid-looking, or if that’s a toupee or a chloroformed animal on your dome. The hair you present to the world is horrifying. Worse than Nixon’s, and he had a widow’s peak shaped like Hitler’s mustache.
  7. I am as qualified as you to be President, because I’ve never held elected office in my life. Trust me, that’s an utterly appalling analogy.
  8. You’re the first and only Presidential candidate who ever hosted his own reality TV show. No judgment, simply an observation. I mean, if Reagan were alive he’d probably have a reality show, right? Goddamn right he would, because if he were alive he’d be 105 years old, and that deserves a reality show way more than being a rich wanker with a Caesar complex.
  9. You’re proposing that working women collect mandatory unemployment after giving birth. Not even ironically, as far as I can tell. You’re proposing that women who give birth be FIRED in order to take paid maternity leave. Correct me if I’m wrong. Oh God, please.
  10. You once sent underwear to Rosie O’Donnell because you were mad at her. I’m thinking this will not go over well if repeated with Egypt, Syria, or Venezuela. (Russia, maybe. Putin has a lot of kinks.)
  11. Trump, you’ve been married three times. Now, my sister, whom I love and respect, also has been married three times. But of those three exes, one was a cheater, one was a car thief, and one walked out on her and their four kids and stole her furniture. In the absence of similar valid reasons for multiple divorces, I can only assume you’re addicted to young and (mostly) foreign pussy.
  12. I’ve never given my father a lap dance, which is more than your daughter Ivanka can say. Ew.
  13. The overwhelming majority of your followers are angry, uninformed, gullible, and ignorant; unlike the majority of Americans, who just want to avoid financial ruin and maybe not have the rest of the world think we’re a bag of dicks. Seems like a bit of a disconnect, but what do I know? I’m a filthy progressive.
  14. Your Vice Presidential candidate is an asshole. Hillary Clinton’s running mate is no Joe Biden (NO ONE IS JOE BIDEN I LOVE JOE BIDEN), but Mike Pence is a dirty yellow armpit stain of a human being.
  15. Seriously, your hair. WTF?
  16. You have literally zero policy statements that don’t include the words “people say,” “yuge,” “believe me,” or “the cyber.”
  17. IT’S NOT FUNNY ANY MORE, YOU JACKHOLE.

Agree, disagree, argue, or simply unfollow me and/or Pointless Boob. This here is my contribution to the election. (Hint: We’re on the right side of history, and the rest of you are sucking Kool-Aid from the lead-contaminated plumbing. Love you.)


Chuck is one of my favorite bloggers and if you aren’t already subscribed to her blog, go sign up now … like seriously … right now. She’s high-larry-us: www.always-drunk.com.

You should also go stalk her on twitter: @DrunkBaudelaire

And like her facebook: https://www.facebook.com/alwaysdrunk

Thanks so much for the post Chuck … love you!

~ Karen McBoob

16 Comments

  1. Author
    Karen McBoob September 30, 2016 Reply

    So, soooo many “very specific things” wrong with Drumpf, so little time …

  2. Mila September 30, 2016 Reply

    I hate politics. I couldn’t finish reading this post because I get too worked up.
    The parts I got through were brilliant because it’s Chuck, duh.

    • Author
      Karen McBoob September 30, 2016 Reply

      Soooo, you’re saying you won’t write me a guest post about politics?

  3. Perennial Curmudgeon September 30, 2016 Reply

    This is everything! I love you guys!

    • Author
      Karen McBoob September 30, 2016 Reply

      Yay! The Curmudgeon is here! (love you more)

  4. choo September 30, 2016 Reply

    i am an avid hater of politicos errywhere, but i read it, (OK!) chuckled a bit, agreed a lot, then went off to investigate this “chuck” person a bit more (readin her other blog stuff). i am laughing hard right now, but managed to get this review out coherently.

    Boobicon . . . you owe me an @

    • Author
      Karen McBoob September 30, 2016 Reply

      when have I ever not @’d you? (okay, I’ll go @ you now)

  5. Sticklady1 September 30, 2016 Reply

    Politically…sad & frustrating! So I have to look at the humorous side & this is Too funny!! The chloroformed animal made me LOL! Love you both!

    • Author
      Karen McBoob September 30, 2016 Reply

      it really does look like it could be a tiny sleeping orangutan, doesn’t it? (Love YOU more)

  6. Erin Saunders September 30, 2016 Reply

    As someone who comes from where Drumpf pulled that armpit stain out of, I can attest to Pence’s propensity for pissing off the preponderant population by pandering to the purile plebians. Sorry…always wanted to use that alliteration…

    • Author
      Karen McBoob September 30, 2016 Reply

      That’s a perfectly plausible probing perception to pass on and I heartily approve of your partiality as well as your passion for alliteration.

  7. YodaNic October 1, 2016 Reply

    That mentally unstable oompa-loompa is going to be the death of us all. At least we have each other to get us through. ❤

    • Author
      Karen McBoob October 1, 2016 Reply

      Amen.

  8. Christopher October 27, 2016 Reply

    From almost a month later things look a little better–at least it looks like Trump’s efforts to buy the White House will fail, although it’s less funny than it was back when the idea that he might make it through the primaries seemed like a joke.
    And even that wasn’t really that funny.
    In fact it’s gotten so unfunny that even Chuck–who normally makes me laugh so hard my co-workers think I’m having a seizure–couldn’t make me laugh. Well, I did chuckle. And snort. Okay, #16 did make me laugh, but not seizure-laugh.
    Anyway I’m trying to focus on Halloween. Reality is just too scary these days.

  9. Author
    Karen McBoob November 6, 2016 Reply

    I keep hoping the Republican Party is going to say, “Just kidding, we hate this guy too. We’re with her.”

    The upcoming election-pocalypse is incredibly frightening. I’m too scared to even let out a nervous chuckle. :-/

  10. Paula January 14, 2017 Reply

    I loved this post. The only thing you left out was, he is an asshole on Twitter. For God sake someone take his electronics away.

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