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Shitty Adventures in Cooking – Pineapple What the Fuck Cake

By Karen McBoob on July 25, 2015 in Blog, Featured Articles, Humor, Shitty Adventures in Cooking
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So I tried (failed) to bake a Pineapple Upside Down Cake the other day.

picPineappleUpsideDownCakeTxt

 

 

At the end of the baking time, I did the old ‘stick-a-toothpick-in-the-middle test’ before I took it out. I did this not because I’m a baking savant, who knew about the magical qualities of toothpicks and their ability to discern exactly when a cake is ready … I did it because the recipe told me to.

The recipe said “Bake 42 to 48 minutes … or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.” So, I took the toothpick out and it looked pretty ‘clean’ to me, maybe a bit wet, but definitely clean.

Nowhere in that sentence does it say anything about the toothpick needing to be dry. If that was important (and apparently it is if you want it to be edible) they should have said, “or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean and dry” fer fuck’s sake. How was I supposed to know that? Is there some toothpick user manual I should have seen that explains how to “read” a toothpick?

Besides, the top of the cake (which would eventually become the bottom) looked like it was getting pretty dark in the oven, and I can’t reach the smoke detector without a ladder.

My cake appeared to be coming perilously close to taking a very dark turn and nobody likes Burnt Pineapple Upside Down Cake. (Unless, of course, they’re presented with the alternative, which is Partially Cooked, Slight Chance of Salmonella Upside Down Cake, in which case, they’d choose Burnt Upside Down Cake all day long).

Mind you… this was supposed to be an EASY upside down cake recipe … It’s not like I picked a recipe that included something exotic like fuckin’ baking powder or some weird shit. Although, admittedly, my first clue that this was going to be anything but easy, should have hit me when the recipe said:

“(After removing from the oven), immediately run knife around side of pan to loosen cake. Place heatproof serving plate upside down onto pan; turn plate and pan over.”

That had sounded easy in my pre-cooking, “I can’t wait to eat some Pineapple Upside Down Cake” enthusiasm. I hadn’t thought through the logistics of flipping a scalding hot 13 x 9 inch baking pan containing cake, pineapples and a runny brown sugar/butter coating. (Turns out, objects in glass pans are heavier than they appear).

I recognized the absurdity of this step, and “How the fuck … ?” crossed my mind exactly at the moment I pulled the pan out of the oven and couldn’t see the counter through my glasses. I couldn’t see because my oven is low (around waste height), and I always remember not to put my face in front of it right after I’ve gotten a face full of steam.

I’m sure I could have flipped that pan easily if (a) it wasn’t hot, (b) it was empty and (c thru z) I didn’t have to do it with big mitts on my hands.

I eventually screwed up the courage to flip it (fairly gracefully, if I say so myself), but within minutes my victory dance came to a screeching halt (cue the record scratch sound effect) when my cake developed a sinkhole.

So I straight up failed at cooking a yellow cake mix that came in a box. All the box asked of me was to add three things: Water, oil and eggs, and I still managed to fuck it up.

I need to put up a new sign in my kitchen.

HELP WANTED

 

But, I really, really wanted cake … so I fixed it.

picPineappleUpsideDownCakeFixedTxt

Someone should seriously take away my “You Are Now an Adult” card, and revoke all my cooking privileges. (Please, someone revoke all my cooking privileges).
Maybe I should get one of these:

picEasyBakeOven

 

Except, look at all those moving parts. I’d fuck that up too. Easy-Bake my ass.

Or worse. It would be easy and then I’d start baking all … the … time.

Screw you EasyBake Oven Company and your delicious tiny cakes. I will not spend my days slaving over a little pink oven, waiting for miniature cakes to cook so I can eat them while standing over the kitchen sink. Then I’ll burn the roof of my mouth after shoving a whole one in my face so I could wash the pan quicker and get another cake in the oven cuz they’re so goddamned tiny.

Then I’ll become humongously obese, because I’ll discover there’s also an Easy Bake pizza oven and do I really need this in my life!

No I do not.

Just found a pineapple upside down cake recipe that’s precisely my speed:

pic Pineapple Upside Down Cake Drink

No baking required.

Then I’ll use toothpicks the way god intended … to spear maraschino cherries.

About the Author

Karen McBoobView all posts by Karen McBoob

5 Comments

  1. Anonymous August 14, 2015 Reply

    Stop making me laugh! My sides are aching!!!!

  2. Gilly Maddison September 30, 2015 Reply

    I found you while I was wallowing in self-pity over at Rubber Shoes In Hell where Michelle very kindly wrote about how nuts she is. This attracted lots of us to admit to being similarly stricken. I a, so glad because through Michelle’s brave post, I am discovering some very funny and talented writers of which you are one. When I saw your Pineapple What The Fuck Cake post, I laughed out loud and made my sleeping husband jump. Thank you – I LOVE your site. I have now got a few new blogs to read and people who may be as mad as me to talk to. I am so glad I was miserable enough to tell Michell. Looking forward to reading lots more from you, michelle land Steph and possible more once I have had a sleep. Well it is 1.20 am. Nightie night.

    • Author
      Karen McBoob September 30, 2015 Reply

      Hi Gilly! I’m so glad you stopped by here! Yes, I saw you on http://www.rubbershoesinhell.com as well and there really are a lot of wonderful folks commenting over there. As Michelle said, it’s a great tribe.

      So nice to meet you Gilly, and don’t be a stranger. 🙂

  3. michelle October 17, 2015 Reply

    Okay…I just saw this and holy fuck I love you both.

    Also, Pineapple upside down cake is one of my favorite goddamn cakes of all times.

    • Author
      Karen McBoob October 17, 2015 Reply

      Um… probably not the way I make it. Love your blog Michele! and thank you for stopping by here! 🙂

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