Holy shit! I finally finished my memoir: Chronicles of a Boob, Vol. 1, Humorous tales of breast cancer, anxiety & gross exaggeration. And it’s available on Amazon … just like a real book!
Don’t believe me? See: https://amzn.com/B01KYHXB6I
The day after I uploaded it, I cornered Fran to show him that … my very own book with my name on it … was published.
After about six months of telling him “my book’s almost done” he was beginning to suspect that when I said, “I got a lot of writing done today,” it actually meant, “I binge-watched a new series on Netflix while eating cheezy poofs all afternoon.” (Unrelated: Orange is the New Black and Grace and Frankie are fucking amazing.)
I sat Fran down in front of my laptop as I went to Amazon and typed in “Chronicles of a Boob” in the search field.
With a flourish, I hit the enter key and gestured across the computer screen, Vanna-White-style, in anticipation of the results ….
They appeared within seconds (see screen grab below):
We leaned closer to get a better look.
FRAN: Is that … ?
Why is my innocent, virginal memoir surrounded by a mélange of mostly naked ladies? My book doesn’t belong there! It’s like plopping Piglet from Winnie the Pooh on a street corner among a posse of prostitutes. Which of these things is not like the other?
MY BOOK! MY BOOK IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS!
(I’m not slut shaming … I’m just sayin’.)
Some asshole barely glanced at my practically wholesome fuckin’ memoir and thought it would fit right in on the half-naked-lady-book-shelf section.
Great. So a series called “The Boob Chronicles” is now cluttering up the search results when someone is trying to find my book, “Chronicles of a Boob.” How rude.
And I bet The Boob Chronicles aren’t even about breast cancer!
What the fuck, Amazon?
Why is my breast cancer memoir filed in your smut section?
(Not that there’s anything wrong with the smut section … I’m not judging … but my book should have been filed under Memoirs or Health or Humor, or … THIS ISN’T FUNNY, AMAZON!)
Well, shit. Maybe it’s not as bad as it looks? Maybe The Boob Chronicles Book Two: Aunt Dee’s Double Ds is health related. Perhaps it’s about a well-endowed woman who struggled all her life with some serious upper-back pain. (And who, presumably, has to wear those “My eyes are up here” t-shirts.) Who’s to say? I clicked on the book title and read the description.
Yeah, nope. It’s definitely not about breast-reduction surgery. The Amazon category is “Erotica.”
Ever curious, I scrolled down to the reviews section and found this decidedly helpful five-star review:
Well … that Patrick guy sure is a big fan of Aunt Dee. What a bummer that he has such a strained relationship with his mother. On the plus side, he’s found an author’s … erm … “body of work” he enjoys reading. O_o
I bet Patrick has a google alert set to notify him as soon as a new book in The Boob Chronicles comes out.
Patrick’s going to be extremely disappointed when he buys my book. 🙁
I’m second guessing my choice of a nipple on the cover. (And quit gawking at my nipple, Patrick!)
I can’t believe I didn’t search through book titles before choosing mine and, then, I put a fucking nipple on the cover.
My editor suggested maybe I should add a steamy chapter, in case Patrick buys it by mistake, so he won’t leave a shitty one-star review on Amazon. (She’s very helpful like that.)
I started thinking about alternative titles and more modest front covers. A book burqa if you will. (Though I hasten to add, regardless of what a book is wearing, it isn’t “asking for it.” I support a book’s right to wear whatever cover it feels comfortable in.)
And also, don’t judge my book by its cover.
Here are some alternatives I came up with:
Ultimately, I decided to keep my current title and cover, because I find it hilarious that my book is in the middle of the “boob section” on Amazon’s search.
(Also, I already bought this fucking domain name.)
And it’s quite apropos, as well. I mean, what kind of boob would fail to research book titles before selecting one?
A humongous boob, amirite? You’d have to be a complete idiot, and that’s exactly what my readers have come to expect from me. So if you happen to come across my book, sandwiched between two “adult novels,” just know that I totally meant to do that.
Get Chronicles of a Boob, Vol. 1 now, on Amazon: https://amzn.com/B01KYHXB6I
Or watch the book trailer at: http://chroniclesofaboob.com/book