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Don’t judge a book by its Amazon search results

By Karen McBoob on October 12, 2016 in Blog, Humor, News
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Holy shit! I finally finished my memoir: Chronicles of a Boob, Vol. 1, Humorous tales of breast cancer, anxiety & gross exaggeration. And it’s available on Amazon … just like a real book!

Don’t believe me? See: https://amzn.com/B01KYHXB6I

The day after I uploaded it, I cornered Fran to show him that … my very own book with my name on it … was published.

After about six months of telling him “my book’s almost done” he was beginning to suspect that when I said, “I got a lot of writing done today,” it actually meant, “I binge-watched a new series on Netflix while eating cheezy poofs all afternoon.” (Unrelated: Orange is the New Black and Grace and Frankie are fucking amazing.)

I sat Fran down in front of my laptop as I went to Amazon and typed in “Chronicles of a Boob” in the search field.

With a flourish, I hit the enter key and gestured across the computer screen, Vanna-White-style, in anticipation of the results ….

They appeared within seconds (see screen grab below):

Amazon search results

Uh oh.

We leaned closer to get a better look.

ME: Ummm.

FRAN: Is that … ?

ME:

FRAN:

Why is my innocent, virginal memoir surrounded by a mélange of mostly naked ladies? My book doesn’t belong there! It’s like plopping Piglet from Winnie the Pooh on a street corner among a posse of prostitutes. Which of these things is not like the other?

MY BOOK! MY BOOK IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS!

(I’m not slut shaming … I’m just sayin’.)

Some asshole barely glanced at my practically wholesome fuckin’ memoir and thought it would fit right in on the half-naked-lady-book-shelf section.

Motherf—

Great. So a series called “The Boob Chronicles” is now cluttering up the search results when someone is trying to find my book, “Chronicles of a Boob.” How rude.

And I bet The Boob Chronicles aren’t even about breast cancer!

What the fuck, Amazon?

Why is my breast cancer memoir filed in your smut section?

(Not that there’s anything wrong with the smut section … I’m not judging … but my book should have been filed under Memoirs or Health or Humor, or … THIS ISN’T FUNNY, AMAZON!)

Well, shit. Maybe it’s not as bad as it looks? Maybe The Boob Chronicles Book Two: Aunt Dee’s Double Ds is health related. Perhaps it’s about a well-endowed woman who struggled all her life with some serious upper-back pain. (And who, presumably, has to wear those “My eyes are up here” t-shirts.) Who’s to say? I clicked on the book title and read the description.

Yeah, nope. It’s definitely not about breast-reduction surgery. The Amazon category is “Erotica.”

Ever curious, I scrolled down to the reviews section and found this decidedly helpful five-star review:

altbookcovers_patrick

Well … that Patrick guy sure is a big fan of Aunt Dee. What a bummer that he has such a strained relationship with his mother. On the plus side, he’s found an author’s … erm … “body of work” he enjoys reading. O_o

I bet Patrick has a google alert set to notify him as soon as a new book in The Boob Chronicles comes out.

Patrick’s going to be extremely disappointed when he buys my book. 🙁

I’m second guessing my choice of a nipple on the cover. (And quit gawking at my nipple, Patrick!)

I can’t believe I didn’t search through book titles before choosing mine and, then, I put a fucking nipple on the cover.

My editor suggested maybe I should add a steamy chapter, in case Patrick buys it by mistake, so he won’t leave a shitty one-star review on Amazon. (She’s very helpful like that.)

I started thinking about alternative titles and more modest front covers. A book burqa if you will. (Though I hasten to add, regardless of what a book is wearing, it isn’t “asking for it.” I support a book’s right to wear whatever cover it feels comfortable in.)

And also, don’t judge my book by its cover.

Here are some alternatives I came up with:

Lumpectomies for Dummies

There’s a moderate to definite chance I’d encounter some trademark difficulties with this one.

altbookcovers_lumpectomies4dummies

 

The Light at the End of the Tunnel is Probably Cancer

Because my book is like a fuckin’ psychological thriller! (If psychological thrillers were memoirs about breast cancer and anxiety.)altbookcovers_psychological

The Law of Hysterics

Because all those law of attraction/positive-thinking books can go fuck themselves.thelawofhysterics

Eat Whatever You Want and Still Gain Weight

Because just like every other diet book, my memoir does not contain a foolproof method to lose weight, and keep it off. altbookcovers_gainweight

How to Dress Like You Don’t Give a Single Shit

Because, as I explain in my book, I am definitely an expert in this area. If you want to feel better about your own questionable fashion choices, this book is for you.altbookcovers_fashion

Alternate cover

Although this option keeps the original title, it does eliminate the nipple problem.altbookcovers_prescription

How I Met My Oncologist

Because ninety-nine out of every ninety-eight creepy dudes aren’t going to be interested in an emotional love story. Okay, I’m terrible at statistics, but I stand by that hypothesis and hopefully Patrick isn’t an outlier.altbookcovers_howimet

Ultimately, I decided to keep my current title and cover, because I find it hilarious that my book is in the middle of the “boob section” on Amazon’s search.

(Also, I already bought this fucking domain name.)

And it’s quite apropos, as well. I mean, what kind of boob would fail to research book titles before selecting one?

A humongous boob, amirite? You’d have to be a complete idiot, and that’s exactly what my readers have come to expect from me. So if you happen to come across my book, sandwiched between two “adult novels,” just know that I totally meant to do that.

 

Get Chronicles of a Boob, Vol. 1 now, on Amazon: https://amzn.com/B01KYHXB6I

Or watch the book trailer at: http://chroniclesofaboob.com/book

 

About the Author

Karen McBoobView all posts by Karen McBoob

2 Comments

  1. Christopher October 27, 2016 Reply

    This is why the world needs librarians. Human librarians. Amazon sorts books using computers and algorithms and whatnot and doesn’t take the time to actually read the book or at least figure out what it’s about.
    Seriously, Amazon would recommend Watership Down to someone applying to the naval academy.
    Okay, may not seriously, but I am being completely serious when I say congratulations on the book.
    If you had an Aunt Dee she’d be proud.
    And if you had an Aunt Dee your book about her would be so much better.

  2. Author
    Karen McBoob November 6, 2016 Reply

    Well crap … Sorry I missed this comment, Christopher. And also, gawbless the librarians.
    Thanks for the congrats!

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