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There was a giant spider on our deck today, and now we have to move

By Karen McBoob on September 18, 2015 in Blog, Featured Articles, Humor, News, Shit That Happened
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DISCLAIMER: This post contains revolting images/videos that you’ll wish could be unseen.  All therapy costs incurred as a result of viewing this material will not be the responsibility of the author.

So there was a HUMONGOUS spider on our deck today. Scared the living shit out of me.

Here’s a close-up photo. Full disclosure, I didn’t actually get “close up.” I used the zoom on my cellphone. Like every picture ever taken of a monster (Big Foot, the Loch Ness Monster), it’s a tad fuzzy, but it’s completely un-doctored. I pinky swear. Oh, I also added a picture of a VW Beetle, so you can get an idea of the spider’s actual size.

 

Giant Spider

Giant spider photographed next to VW Bug for size comparison.

And can you see that ginormous handbag full of evil baby spiders it’s carrying? Is it any wonder I shat myself?

I sent an amber alert to Fran:

Spider amber alert text to Fran.

Spider amber alert text to Fran.

I felt bad for condemning the spider to death in this way, but on the other hand, it’s not like I got all up in her house completely uninvited. Sorry, rude spider, but you can’t invade someone else’s territory and not expect there to be consequences. You’re not Russia. The punishment for your boorish behavior is Fran.

My conversation with Fran went something like this:

ME: I’ve never seen such a huge spider. Imma need u to come home n get rid of it.

FRAN: He’s not hurting anything.

ME: It’s in the gazebo!

FRAN: Chase him out with a broom.

ME: I think he’s a she, and that looks like an enormous sac of babies ready to turn into a spider army.

FRAN: I hope you’re kidding about me coming home.

ME: Okay … don’t come home. But if I get bit and my foot looks like this, it’s all your fault.

FRAN: Don’t let it on your foot.

ME: You think I’m faster than a giant spider? True, I do have quick reflexes. But I don’t think they’d be a match for her spidey senses. She looks sneaky, too. I bet she’d try to trip me with her web-shooters.

FRAN: Could grow to be like the one in Lord of the Rings.

ME: That’s what I’m saying! And she has a whole duffle bag of ‘em with her! I bet they all end up going in the house. Then we’re going to have to move. Do you want to have to move?

FRAN: Yes.

ME: Dammit.

I looked it up online, to see what kind of spider I was dealing with, and turns out, it was one of those spiders from The Hobbit.

The only other type of spider I found online that looked similar to the one on my deck was a Dolomedes tenebrosus (AKA Dark Fishing Spider). According to the site,  http://www.spiders.us/species/dolomedes-tenebrosus/:

Dolomedes apparently means “wily” or “contriving” in Greek (Cameron 2005); the species name tenebrosus translates to “dark, gloomy” in Latin.’

See? I knew she looked shifty. And here’s something that really creeped me out: the Dark Fishing Spiders don’t build webs; they hunt! They wait to ambush anything they can overpower! Eeek!

I was totally going to get overpowered.

For half a second I wondered if I’d get super spider powers if I let her bite me. Then I could cling to the ceiling when Fran walked in. (That’d definitely make him regret not having come home earlier and taken care of the spider like I asked.) But I rejected the idea, because a) there is no fucking way I was going to let that spider bite me; and b) I would look horrible in a red and blue onesie.

Anybody got any extra moving boxes you don’t need?

About the Author

Karen McBoobView all posts by Karen McBoob

10 Comments

  1. Chuck Baudelaire September 20, 2015 Reply

    In general, I don’t mind scooping up spiders and setting them free outside. But that one definitely looked engineered by ISIS to directly threaten our way of life. Stay strong.

    • Author
      Karen McBoob September 20, 2015 Reply

      Right? I don’t like killing spiders, because I think it’s bad juju … but in this case, you gotta’ think she mighta’ had a bomb in that bag of hers.

      (Oh fuck … i just thought of something … what if it was only a clock?)

      Shit. Now my whole post sounds racist.

      #IStandWithShelob

      • Lynn July 26, 2016 Reply

        Oh my god, that’s hilarious! You just made me spit my coffee out.

        • Author
          Karen McBoob July 26, 2016 Reply

          Thanks Lynn. 🙂 (I sincerely hope no laptops were injured in the reading of this article.)

  2. Christopher September 22, 2015 Reply

    Technically you could say I have arachnophilia but that sounds like I want to have sex with spiders, and even if it were physically possible I wouldn’t. It’s just that the death of any spider makes me sad. It’s why when my spouse spots a spider in the house her reaction usually goes like this: “Chris kill it…KILL IT! SMASH IT! NO! DON’T PICK IT UP! GODDAMMIT I DON’T CARE WHAT KIND OF SPIDER IT IS!”
    And I’m pretty good at identifying spiders so I’m pretty sure what you killed was a wolf spider. They’re called wolf spiders because they don’t build webs. They chase down their prey and grab it.
    Now I know that sounds even worse than a big web-building spider, but bear with me. Wolf spiders prey on nasty insects and even other spiders like brown recluses or black widows, the kind of spiders you don’t want around. Wolf spiders aren’t harmful to humans.
    And they don’t live long after they lay eggs anyway, so you just killed a spider that was pretty much at death’s door already. She was looking for a secluded spot to hide those eggs. You destroyed them so they won’t have a chance to emerge next spring. You’ve given an advantage to the mosquitoes, centipedes, wasps, and other terrible bugs.
    Yeah, I can see why you would want to move now.

    • Author
      Karen McBoob September 22, 2015 Reply

      Of course you’re right Christopher.

      I’m going straight to hell. 🙁

  3. Gilly Maddison September 30, 2015 Reply

    This is hilarious! Unfortunately, I am allowing spiders to run my life at the moment. I am clearly not being assertive enough. I was going to write a post about my own ongoing spider issue but then though it was a stupid idea. Now that I have seen yours, I still think my own idea is stupid but I am going to do it anyway. Theses spiders need to know WTF is boss!

    • Author
      Karen McBoob September 30, 2015 Reply

      Absolutely write about it. Twenty bucks says the spider at your house has a blog and is telling the world wide spider web that she owns you.

  4. Gina W. October 12, 2015 Reply

    Oh man, I don’t know how I missed this hilarious post. Ugh, I’m with you on the spiders, sister. Any outside critter than ends up in my house ends up dead. It’s just how the world has to be. Also, it’s a good thing I know Christopher and his sense of humor or else his last sentences to you would have me thinking, “That guy is such a dick!”.

    • Author
      Karen McBoob October 12, 2015 Reply

      Yeah… I love when Christopher gets all snarky. 🙂

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