DISCLAIMER: This post contains revolting images/videos that you’ll wish could be unseen. All therapy costs incurred as a result of viewing this material will not be the responsibility of the author.
So there was a HUMONGOUS spider on our deck today. Scared the living shit out of me.
Here’s a close-up photo. Full disclosure, I didn’t actually get “close up.” I used the zoom on my cellphone. Like every picture ever taken of a monster (Big Foot, the Loch Ness Monster), it’s a tad fuzzy, but it’s completely un-doctored. I pinky swear. Oh, I also added a picture of a VW Beetle, so you can get an idea of the spider’s actual size.
And can you see that ginormous handbag full of evil baby spiders it’s carrying? Is it any wonder I shat myself?
I sent an amber alert to Fran:
I felt bad for condemning the spider to death in this way, but on the other hand, it’s not like I got all up in her house completely uninvited. Sorry, rude spider, but you can’t invade someone else’s territory and not expect there to be consequences. You’re not Russia. The punishment for your boorish behavior is Fran.
My conversation with Fran went something like this:
ME: I’ve never seen such a huge spider. Imma need u to come home n get rid of it.
FRAN: He’s not hurting anything.
ME: It’s in the gazebo!
FRAN: Chase him out with a broom.
ME: I think he’s a she, and that looks like an enormous sac of babies ready to turn into a spider army.
FRAN: I hope you’re kidding about me coming home.
ME: Okay … don’t come home. But if I get bit and my foot looks like this, it’s all your fault.
FRAN: Don’t let it on your foot.
ME: You think I’m faster than a giant spider? True, I do have quick reflexes. But I don’t think they’d be a match for her spidey senses. She looks sneaky, too. I bet she’d try to trip me with her web-shooters.
FRAN: Could grow to be like the one in Lord of the Rings.
ME: That’s what I’m saying! And she has a whole duffle bag of ‘em with her! I bet they all end up going in the house. Then we’re going to have to move. Do you want to have to move?
I looked it up online, to see what kind of spider I was dealing with, and turns out, it was one of those spiders from The Hobbit.
The only other type of spider I found online that looked similar to the one on my deck was a Dolomedes tenebrosus (AKA Dark Fishing Spider). According to the site, http://www.spiders.us/species/dolomedes-tenebrosus/:
‘Dolomedes apparently means “wily” or “contriving” in Greek (Cameron 2005); the species name tenebrosus translates to “dark, gloomy” in Latin.’
See? I knew she looked shifty. And here’s something that really creeped me out: the Dark Fishing Spiders don’t build webs; they hunt! They wait to ambush anything they can overpower! Eeek!
I was totally going to get overpowered.
For half a second I wondered if I’d get super spider powers if I let her bite me. Then I could cling to the ceiling when Fran walked in. (That’d definitely make him regret not having come home earlier and taken care of the spider like I asked.) But I rejected the idea, because a) there is no fucking way I was going to let that spider bite me; and b) I would look horrible in a red and blue onesie.
Anybody got any extra moving boxes you don’t need?